5 people to kick out of your tribe

5 PEOPLE TO KICK OUT OF YOUR TRIBE

In an earlier post, I posed the question about who’s in your tribe. Conventional wisdom says we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with. According to the theory, if you look around at your closest crew, chances are your life reflects the average of those people — from how much money you make, to the neighborhood you live in, to how you communicate, to even how you see the world.

We all have a choice about who we let into our inner circle, and that circle can (and should) evolve as we change and grow. These are the people we learn from, who inspire and motivate us, and challenge us to be better.

On the flip side, we also have a choice about who shouldn’t be allowed in. These are the people who cloud your judgement, surround you with negativity, raise your blood pressure, and hold you back.

It’s tough because, for the most part, we’re nice people. We work hard to cultivate empathy and support for everyone close to us. With the people in our lives, it’s often difficult to see the forest for the trees and recognize who might being doing more harm than good. But, without the benefit of self-awareness, we could end up surrounding ourselves with people whose only job is to bring us down.

Victims
These people are sometimes tough to spot until you’re on the receiving end of yet another diatribe about how their challenges in life are everyone else’s fault.

I’m a firm believer that your life is your fault. Period. Good, bad or indifferent, we’re all where we are because of the choices we make. Whether it be choosing to treat people the way we do, choosing how we respond to challenges and difficulties, choosing our professional path, or choosing to do nothing at all. Everything is a choice.

Victims refuse to take responsibility. Yes, we all get our asses handed to us on occasion, courtesy of an unpredictable universe – health issues, relationship difficulties, work setbacks. But, how we react and respond is a choice. You can choose to be a victim and spend your energy whining and blaming, or you can choose to find strength, find the lesson that needs learning, find help, find the perseverance to power through, or choose to simply let go and move forward.

Drama Queens
These people set themselves up to be in the middle of a crap storm of drama; then revel in the attention, the emotion, and the chaos. They work very hard to drag those around them into their big ball of bullshit. They love to turn mountains out of molehills simply to illicit a response and pull everyone into the fray.

Either they’re always “in trouble” and demand to be saved, or they get ornery when the solution isn’t complicated enough to put them at the center of attention. They’re quick to anger, and seem to be sorely lacking in patience and the ability to put anyone else before themselves.

Boorish Jerk
Luckily, these fools can usually be spotted from a thousand paces. Yes, they can be funny and entertaining and even a bit charismatic. But, you don’t have to dig too deep to see insensitivity, rudeness, and a complete lack of empathy. They tend to be driven by big egos and an even bigger need to be the center of the universe.

I understand that if you dig a little deeper, you may also see insecurity, self-consciousness, and anxiety – all of which are difficult for anyone to live with. But, be careful about rationalizing or justifying boorish behavior that negatively impacts you.

Bullies
I’ve got pretty strong feelings about bullying.  The older I get, it seems bullying gets more sophisticated. Nobody is forcing you into a locker, calling you names in front of the class, or picking fights in the school yard. Sure, it’s easy to spot when some asshat is blatantly bullying someone else – yelling, belittling, and intentionally driving someone to the brink. But, what’s harder to recognize is when a bully camouflages their behavior which, as adults, isn’t difficult to do.

But, undermining your work, intentionally disrespecting your boundaries, harassing you under the guise of “joking around,” and keeping you on edge with their unpredictability are all classic bullying behaviors. Run far and run fast from these people (and feel free to flip them the bird on your way out.)

Those Who Lack Gratitude
This is a personal favorite in the people-I-can’t-tolerate category. Don’t get me wrong – I’m an expert at throwing the occasional full-blown pity party. It’s natural to have days when you’re convinced everything you touch sucks, your response to everything is “why bother,” and the only energy you can muster is to roll your eyes.

But, the difference is that those moments are just that … moments. People who lack gratitude refuse to see, much less appreciate, all the amazing things – both large and small — around them. They take their relationships, their experiences, their successes, and even their failures for granted. They’re bitter, are never satisfied, and tend to think the world “owes” them something. I’m here to tell you, the world owes you precisely squat.

Having an “attitude of gratitude” is one of the most positive things you can do for yourself and those around you. Countless studies have shown that cultivating gratitude and focusing on thankfulness not only makes people genuinely happier and more productive, but it also takes the edge off when life throws the inevitable curveball. (Don’t believe me? Here are just a few article here, here and here.)

As you think about your circle of influence, a little self-awareness goes a long way in guiding you toward surrounding yourself with people who will only lift you higher and push you further.